Running After A Love One Dies.

Putting on the shoes today was hard.  I needed to run after a long day yesterday.  I picked the route I knew best.  It happened to be the route Fiona (our dog) and I had done the most. 

As I started running the tears came down.  The trail was wet and boney.  Rain drops fell off the leaves of the trees from a hard rain the night before.  Thoughts rushed back to another solitary sad run that I had done twenty years before.  My grandmother, Irma Hancock Sofield, had died.  I don’t remember the day; I don’t remember who told me, or how I received the news.  I do remember thinking; I need to go for a run and I remember everything about it.  The weather, surroundings, trail, were all similar conditions to today’s run.  I ran hard, uphill until it hurt.  My head grew light and the thoughts came rushing out.  My eyes welled up as I thought how helpless I was to death.  And how much I missed my grandmother and how much she meant to me.  All the while my feet keep moving, like they did today.  With no parents left, she had stepped in and loved me unconditionally, and forevermore I will be moving without her.  The air on my face dried my tears.   I vowed to keep her in my thoughts and I ran home a little stronger but more alone. 

Running became my strength and a focus to my life.  The symbolism was strong, me running alone against the world.  As a race would get hard, I would evoke memories of lost ones to keep me strong, focused, centered.  Completing / winning races would bring back a rush of emotions for me, helping me think of my parents, grandmother and others who taught me about life.   Running kept me real, thoughts of loved-ones makes me who I am. 

As I made my way around the familiar loop this morning, I thought of all the good times Fiona and I had.  And of the last run we did together on this trail just a week before.  Always with a smile on her face, she loved to run and loved to be by my side.  However she was almost 14 and had to work hard to stay with me.  Just as she fought hard to breathe when her body was failing. 

Once again my eyes welled up, as I realized how much she meant to me and how much she too had contributed to my life.  She showed me unconditional love, benefits of spreading joy to others, and so much else without saying a word.  Fiona managed to nuzzle her wet nose into my heart.  Something, I didn’t make easy to do.  So, as I struggled to finish the run I thought about how Fiona made me a better person.  Just like other loved-ones had done for me in the past.  

And so to remember and celebrate my loved-ones, I will keep on running.  Running, because that is what Fiona liked more than anything else.